why a man shouldnt go shopping with a woman,
AND THE RETIRED HUSBAND
After the husband retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Tesco. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women ââ,¬â€œ she loves to browse.
Yesterday his dear wife received the following letter from the local Tesco store:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other peopleââ,¬â,,¢s carts when they werenââ,¬â,,¢t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womenââ,¬â,,¢s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ââ,¬ËœCode 3 in Housewares. Get on it right awayââ,¬â,,¢. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of Maltesers on Hire purchase. .
6. August 14: Moved a ââ,¬ËœCAUTION ââ,¬â€œ WET FLOORââ,¬â,,¢ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers heââ,¬â,,¢d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ââ,¬ËœWhy canââ,¬â,,¢t you people just leave me alone?ââ,¬â,,¢ a psychiatric team were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While stroking knives in the kitchen department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ââ,¬Ëœ Mission Impossibleââ,¬â,,¢ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ââ,¬ËœMadonna lookââ,¬â,,¢ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ââ,¬ËœPICK ME! PICK ME!ââ,¬â,,¢
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ââ,¬ËœOH NO! ITââ,¬â,,¢S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!ââ,¬â,,¢
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ââ,¬ËœHey! Thereââ,¬â,,¢s no toilet paper in here.ââ,¬â,,¢ One of the clerks passed out.
yours sincerely
store manger
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell.
I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a new diagnostic computer at TESCO Pharmacy. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in
two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and
the cat,
and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits
five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet.
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.
7) Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
Nice one Doc haven't got the appropriate smiley yet so will have to make do with these few :) ;) :D ;D
Is that a dig at me christopher? :) ;D
No no no no yes lol :P
lmao :)